Your universe is a leak: sipping and squirming on the teat of Kapoot.
The Big Bang was nothing more than the Dragon of Light blowing her fuse. Explosive power and no brains! Such a drama queen. In my head, it was like someone threw a fruit tingle into hot lemonade – fizz, whoosh, with a KABOOM thrown in!
The first light of your universe splattered all over The Stillness of Kapoot. You call it impressive, I call it extreme sport. I got the t-shirt: I survived The Big Bang. Only one in existence! Ha-ha. You laugh at me but you, puny creature, wouldn’t have lived to tell!
When I opened my eyes, the light blinded me. Energy strung out across infinity, leaking from a hole in Kapoot. Trillions of elastic, electric rainbows twisted like toffee, crested and foamed like neon jellyfish in crazy surf. The waves shattered and showered the everything with glittering particles. Magnificent splatters, in all directions. Energy shifted from the GPO’s museum of the dark web into a mirror universe, it went viral and the dragon went with it. The light escaped Kapoot and left me boiling to death in a roiling, primeval soup. It happened in the first 1/100,000,000,000th of a second. No wonder you missed it. We gave birth!
Massive dunes of particles rose up and rolled over hissing shores, pitching heat missiles that punched black holes into Kapoot to let more UnKnown energy escape. Try plugging a black hole! All that energy continued leaking and expanding until … well, until …
If I wasn’t immortal it would have been better to die. I thought it was the end but it was just the start…of EVERYTHING! That dragon left me there to take all the blame for evolution. I was framed, I tell you!
We have sizzling UnKnowns whizzing all over the place, all very random unfortunately. How I miss peace and tranquility! It’s been absolute chaos since then. Suddenly, it was necessary to keep a record of everything that happened. That’s how I became an Evolution flunky, the janitor of the universe, cleaning up after Him, cleaning up after Her. Been hunting the fugitive dragon ever since.
The GPO is a compulsive obsessive, a systems stickler. Happiness left me choking on the dust of Year Dot. And He accuses me of orchestrating the entire thing. ME! He didn’t even ask if I was ok!
Rest is history – 4.6 billion years written in your stars, written in your bones. And you’re no better! Luck fix this, Luck do that, Good Luck, Bad Luck, Dumb Luck, No Luck! I can’t be everywhere.
Boy did he lose it. Ever seen a rampaging sub-sub-sub-sub-sub-sub-sub-sub super sub-atomic particle blowing his top? It ain’t pretty.
The UnKnown Truth is, I do EVERYTHING! And he takes the credit. What do I want with particles bumping and grinding against each other, crunching and hissing junk? Nothing! Sure he counts all them particles. He names, catalogues and files them all. He knows every one by name. He loves them. But now he’s missing particles, guess who has to find them? Me! Bad Luck, Good Luck, Fat Chance, no chance, bless me, hex them … find the dragon! My theory is this is all one big joke they are playing on me. This is all HER fault!
Forced into slavery by two devious forces, two opposites, the yin and the yang of the universe: the chaos of Happiness and the gravity of the General Particle Office, pulling everything into order.
Does horrible things to my indigestion, all this stress. And I don’t even get toilet breaks.